Lorde

Lorde came out of nowhere last year, nowhere being a nickname for Middle Earth (more commonly known as New Zealand), with some nonsense song that is barely about a baseball team from Kansas City. What it’s mostly about isn’t baseball, but rather a hollow criticism of hip hop lyricism. Most specifically, the stunting and braggadocio that is ever-present across the genre.

Many people with far more expertise on the subject have theorized on the different reasons why rap is so full of boasting, so I won’t embarrass myself by trying to offer my own ideas. Due to the pervasiveness of self-aggrandizing lyrics, rappers are having to get more creative. Their brags continue to grow both in outrageousness and sophistication. For most hip hop fans, this is a part of the fun.

Lorde apparently hates fun. Here are some lyrics from her song, “Royals.”

But everybody’s like Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece.
Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash.
We don’t care, we aren’t caught up in your love affair. Lorde - Royals

I don’t know who this “we” is that Lorde is referencing. Hip hop is increasing in popularity across the globe. Most of us are totally caught up in a love affair with a genre of music that rewards interesting lyrics. You know what’s not interesting? Her bitching about it. She doesn’t provide an explanation for why she’s unenthusiastic about the genre, nor does she offer an alternative. Unless her alternative is simply to complain. Maybe she should stop listening to songs she doesn’t like instead of spearheading an imaginary, directionless movement.

Lorde doesn’t stop there, however. A lot of the hip hop that gets played on national radio is party rap. The kind of thing you’d hear if you walked into a dance club. Oftentimes this music will present options to its listeners on what they can do to maximally enjoy the song with instructions like, “clap your hands” or “wave your arms.” Lorde calls out this second action explicitly in the song “Team”:

I’m kind of over getting told to throw my hands up in the air
So there
I’m kinda older than I was when I reveled without a care
So there Lorde - Team

She’s 17 now, by the way, and was even younger when she wrote those lyrics. It is unknown how young she must have been when she “reveled without a care”, but it must have been quite an early age. I’m twice as old as her, and I still enjoy throwing my hands in the air. To this day, if I hear ATLiens, my hands instinctively go up. So do everyone else’s born after the 1970s. Everyone else but Lorde, I guess.

So to recap, Lorde is tired bragging in hip hop, and she’s tired of being encouraged to have fun in hip hop. Maybe it’s time for Lorde face the fact that she is a sourpuss.

Part of her disaffiliation with hip hop lyrics is that she can’t relate to them because they speak of privilege, and she hails from more modest roots. Let’s examine that. Here are some lyrics from “Royals”:

And I’m not proud of my address
In the torn up town, no post code envy Lorde - Royals

And from “Team”:

We live in cities you’ll never see on screen
Not very pretty, but we sure know how to run things Lorde - Team

Lorde was raised in the city of Devonport, New Zealand, a suburb of Auckland. Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about Devonport:

The suburb hosts the Devonport Naval Base of the Royal New Zealand Navy, the main facility for the country’s naval vessels, but is best known for its harbourside dining and drinking establishments and its heritage charm. In its scenery and setting, Devonport has been compared to Sausalito, California. Wikipedia

Despite Lorde's claims, Devonport has been featured on screen. This is IMDB's list of films and television shows that have been shot there.

And Sausalito? Here’s its description.

…the city’s industrial character gave way in postwar years to a reputation as a wealthy and artistic enclave, a picturesque residential community (incorporating large numbers of houseboats), and a tourist destination. Wikipedia

Sounds really torn up and ugly, Lorde. Now who is posturing? At least most of the rappers who talk about coming from the ghetto actually do come from the ghetto. What are you trying to accomplish here? Are you trying to relate to the lower class, the most traditional audience for hip hop? You’re walking into the belly of the beast in order to convince those who dwell there to rebel against the brand of music that most represents them? That’s ballsy, Lorde. Ballsy and stupid, because you have no argument and no basis for empathy.

More Royals lyrics:

My friends and I we’ve cracked the code
We count our dollars on the train to the party
And everyone who knows us knows
That we’re fine with this, we didn’t come from money Lorde - Royals

Lorde attended a suburban school with a multimillion dollar endowment and a long list of famous alumni. I don’t know her family’s income, but I imagine it wasn’t terrible. And oh yeah, she signed a record deal when she was 13 years old. There’s no strict definition for coming from money, but I would bet most people in the world would say that Lorde came from enough means that these lyrics are false.

I dislike Lorde because she’s both inauthentic and a whiner. She hates on things that are dear to my heart with no argument for why. She lies about herself to garner support. I wish nothing but failure for her musical career, for people stop listening to her, and for the radio to go back to playing something that makes me feel an emotion besides anger.